it doesn't mean anything

i'm a wasted wreck. thinking of things that will never come and knowing the knowledge that makes me want to break down into shaky tears.

why should i even bother to look at your beautiful face when i'm so unworthy. SHE is the one you want. so take her hand and run in joyful circles. i'll stand off to the side and watch while feeling another inch of my heart crack ever so gently. I don't know how long this will take but I think I should do it before I give you a rash.

as much as I care. I know I can't have you.

the worst way to miss someone is to stand right beside them knowing you can't have them.

so i'll walk by you in the halls and think "someday she'll be happy in his arms and i'll be waiting for my turn in someone else's"  and then the rain will come down and you'll offer HER your umbrella, I'll use my textbooks. I knew that falling in love with you was a lost cause in the first place. since even if you did want me too. I couldn't have you. there's a wall there. it's unbreakable. even if i believed it was. you didn't. and you never will. there's no convincing you. I should have realized all of this a long time ago.

i should have realized that i'm mediocre compaired to her beauty.

I should have realized that i'm just not the one you love. in fact.

I question sometimes whether you really love me in any way at all.

i shouldn't. but i do.

I should move on. even if I will never be able to keep my eyes off of you. my thoughts will run to you when i stare at the whiteboard. I'll make them rush for something else. because them rushing to you is like rushing into a sliding glass door, painful and stupid.

I'll pretend for a while that you mean nothing to me. but no. you mean everything to me. everything you are no one will ever know just how much I love you.

except me and God.

because if i told you you would probably pretend i was her. in fact i KNOW you'd pretend I was her. you always do. and I know it. when I say nice things, when i do certain things. when I say I want to hug you (even though I never do), when I tell you i love you. when I smile at you, when i look in your eyes. i just know you think

"I wish it was HER"

the next time you look at me, I'll avert my eyes, the next time you start to talk to me, i'll just nod and wave and walk away, i'll avoid you best i can. till this all blows over...i hope it won't take forever.

even though I fear it will.

I value what we have. but i'd be lying if i said i didn't desire more. i'd be lying if i said i didn't want to hold your hand when we sat across the table from one another that one day at lunch. i'd be a liar if i told you i didn't fall in love with you more every time i see you.

because i do. i did. i do.

But I have to give up. it's pointless. when others tell me i never know and that you could fall for me. I laugh. I scoff. I cry inside knowing that no that won't happen. now normally i'd take it into consideration. not this time.

i'm hanging up that hat and leaving it to gather dust on the hook.

some people tell me that you already love me. psh. as a friend and nothing more. you've made that clear.

so i'll ignore the odd coincidence in my horoscopes. I'll ignore the way you look at me. because i know you're thinking of her when you do. i'm nothing to you.

nothing more than a friend.

i'll accept that slowly and cry deep down inside while i laugh and joke with my friends as you walk by, i'll say hi and then break down inside yet again knowing you're just thinking of her. and you'll never be in love with me.

i give up.

she wins.

love

nikki

you're just jealous